Every blog has a post like this near the beginning. Because it’s not a habit yet, the cretaceous gosling running it decides to wander off and eat bugs or something for a couple weeks, and then is struck by a bolt of guilt and comes running back. From there it can either pick back up or, more likely, drop off into the aether to be found by Internet Anthropologists in the future. Part of the digital fossil record.
Anyway about a month ago, my Instagram account got stolen. I don’t know how or why, but I do know that it smashed a lot of my already meager interest in social media. If the social media networks were high school students (here we go), Facebook would be that really annoying Prep kid who ran their life like a marketing scheme, Twitter would be…wait a minute. I’m getting distracted. Instagram would be the one that while they are a little superficial and self absorbed at least have a good heart. They don’t get too horrible on a regular basis so in a lot of ways they’re the only one I still enjoy using. That is, until I had to chase my account around to a bunch of different usernames, file multiple reports with tech support, and be greeted with nothing but silence. I’ve tried every possible way to get back into it, but the best advice I can find is to try and use methods similar to the ones they likely used to grab my account in the first place. I can’t be arsed.
I have no idea why my account was stolen, I had like 80 followers. Nothing was on their but the last three years of doodles that I had posted. It hasn’t posted anything since it was stolen, just changed the name, description, and profile picture to something else. It has one of those weird pseudo names with a lot of numbers that could sort of fool a robot into thinking it was a real name, but no human would ever put that as their username.
Instagram tech support is just the worst. I’m not even sure I want to start over on that service.
Alright, getting to the point. I am sitting here in a Starbucks to address you because it is the nearest source of Wi-Fi and I only have an hour. An hour of time to tell you all that I am still alive and writing.
That is an unedited picture of my receipt. It’s almost too perfect that I am sitting in a huge Starbucks, attached to a hotel called the Rex that has one of those fancy five star plaques attached to the marble columns out front, surrounded by the sort of rich people that wear clothes that cost more than my car yet still look like Walmart clothes, drinking a Frappacino that cost a twentieth of the average monthly income here, and all I get is an electronically monitored hour of time. An hour to connect to the rest of the world and then I need to Get Out or the Starbucks mermaid up there will get all Sinistar on your ass.
The point I keep trying to get to is that social media sucks, and I’m tired of it.
Revolutionary I know, but there is a real reason that–
Okay but for real, there are these two ludicrously attractive Asian women sitting three tables away from me who have met three different groups of people, and have changed clothes in the bathroom before meeting each one. I didn’t know what to think of this, but now all three groups have returned and are sitting with the two women. It’s a mix of guys in designer clothing, middle aged tourist women, and other attractive Asian women. I am forced to conclude that I have witnessed some sort of strange Starbucks cult that simulates different arrangements of social gathering at high speed. To what ends I’m not sure–
Anyway, between the perpetual, high-speed Thanksgiving of Facebook, the endless political barf-o-matic circus ride that is Twitter, the gobshits that run Instagram, and the ADHD nonsense of Reddit. I’m tired of attempting to keep up.
Jeez, you see what I said about attention spans? Social Media fries them.
So I’m still writing, I’ve spent the last weeks traveling to Da Nang, which is a beach town doing a Vegas impression, Hoi An, a touristy old town, and Hanoi, the capital and generally sad place. I’ve had some incredible experiences in them, but you must wait! Tune in next time for the Trek to the Lady Buddha, the Swindle, the Search for a Burger any Burger, the Motorbikes, and more!
Pictured: A dork on a scooter.
Uh, I dunno. I’ll add some later. Out of Internet time.